Graduate School for a Master’s in Science (MS) in MS

      Audrey Rosner: A Personal Story

Audrey, a voice called out. It's time for school.

I didn't like what I was hearing, knowing that I had already finished high-school and then some college. I really don't have time, I thought to myself, and had all the skills I needed to be able to land a job and get a paycheck.

I said back to Him, I am done, thanks anyway.

He said, No, you have only just begun. In My school, real lessons are going to be taught. You will learn more in My school than you would even with a post-graduate degree from the most prestigious university.

That was God speaking to me when He decided that I would be earning my MS degree on earth. But MS did not stand for Master's of Science . . . He meant: Multiple Sclerosis. I didn't know that I had so much to learn about who I was and, who I would get the opportunity to meet. Multiple Sclerosis is a fancy name for a mysterious disease that I have. There are many theories of why we get it, but still no definitive answer. I was lucky enough to get the mystery disease. Mystery keeps us wondering. How is it contracted? How do we cure it? What reason is there for it?

Since we don't know the answers for many things that occur on our planet, we can only look at what rises out of mystery. Why a Tsunami? I can't find any reason for it. Maybe as the earth came apart, the people came together, at least temporarily. We can see some of what comes from it, but not why it happens, as we have no real bird’s-eye view of the world plan. Although MS has been extremely challenging, and I don't know why I have it, it has taught me who I am. That I can at least see. Getting up in the morning is always great, because I have forgotten I have this problem called MS, and I wake up believing everything is fine, until I take my first step out of bed and wish I was just sitting down.

Fortunately, we have a mind as well as a body. And my mind seems to be much more in charge, and desires to do everything I have done before I got sick. So I get myself dressed, take a shot, walk a painful half-a-mile to the commuter railroad and head downtown, while everyone passes me by. The streets have become so long and the city (Chicago) has become so huge as I have become weaker and my ability to get around gets more difficult.

Sometimes as I am walking, I imagine I’m in a miniature city, so that when I take my steps, I can feel that I am gaining a lot of ground, and ignore the perspective of the big city, which consumes my energy, to arrive at my job feeling powerful and not defeated. I stand on buses with my cane, and I look fine, except for the cane and so I don't get to sit. I stand in pain and despair until I have the courage to ask someone to please let me have their seat. Imagination is tool that I never had to use before I received this education. Fortunately, it is free and unlimited by physical limitations.

There is no place I know that compares with pure imagination, Gene Wilder sang in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That song is powerful! That is a description of the daily struggles I have—that you have! I could describe in detail how frustrating my daily chores are, how hard it is to get my house clean, how much I want to just achieve as I had in the past, how when the ice and snow falls and I am faced with walking with numb feet on icy surfaces I am doubly challenged. But those of you who have MS already know that!

I could write a long essay about my disease and how it affects me, but better to write about the positive that has come from it. For despite the problems I—and you--are facing, MS has taught me three things about myself.

* I am really a closet optimist, even though I believed I was a pessimist!
* I have much more courage than I thought!
* I don't accept MS as the final word on how I will run my life!

From vitamins to acupuncture, crystals to magnets, I have tried almost every alternative to cure myself or at-least to feel better. Some of the treatments have been. . .well laughable. I went so far as even buying the "Q" ionized bracelet advertised from television. When desperate, people can be sold anything. It really didn't do anything and they at least gave me my money back. I have gone to spiritual healers, and attended crystal bowl sound healing workshops. I have tried to eliminate dairy and gluten. I once went to a doctor who believed in Procarin, a theory that a nurse came up with in the 50s. I have tried taking virtually every vitamin and mineral on the market (my husband thinks I have enough stock to open a pharmacy) and found that vitamin B complex is the best for maintaining energy. You might think I am crazy, but you can at least see that I am an eternal optimist who has never stopped looking for the answer. And that was part of my education—not realizing before this how determined I can be. And so I keep searching despite what medicine has concluded or what statistics say. What I did find was that acupuncture, from the right person, can sustain you for the week and make your life much more comfortable.

There are many people that I have met in MS graduate school. Some are extremely spiritual and giving people that are sincerely there to help. I have met others who are struggling, so I know that I am not alone. There are many different arenas I have encountered; each one has given me a unique experience and a different perspective that I never would have received if I was "healthy." In addition to my search for alternatives, for years I followed the traditional MS medical recommendation of taking one of the ABC drugs. My fear of needles was such that I would virtually pass out just thinking about them. I never imagined in my life I could get a daily injection, let alone give myself one! But I did so myself and it was as unremarkable as retrieving mail from the mail box. MS has given me the courage to face one of my fears.

(Note: When I wrote this around 2002 I was taking the traditional MS immune suppressor drugs, but they really didn’t help and caused side effects worse than the disease--one drug causing me to become suicidal. Two years later when I met my husband, he assured me MS was NOT an autoimmune disease and urged me to give them up, lest they kill me. I did and am doing far better now than when I was on them!)

So I have learned that what you believe about yourself today is not necessarily true tomorrow. You can overcome any fear that you have, or for that matter, anything that you believe about yourself; it is not cast in stone. The final determination of who you are is not fixed, as something comes up that makes you face it. We are in a continuous state of change.

MS is what I have, not who I am! So I began taking courses for my bachelor's degree. I thought I wouldn't need it as I already had a decent job. But when I looked to the future--and I hope this will get you to think about yours--I realized that I did need it, if only to have less regrets of things undone when I am facing my final days. When I wrote this I was not married and did not have many rites of passage in my life. But I knew that keeping my house clean, working full-time, going to school at night without a care partner or husband to help, was up to me. Which also included shoveling my car out of the snow. Since my mind is stronger than my body, it is still calling the shots on how my life is going to turn out.

And since I determine the outcome of my life--not MS--eventually I did return to school and--after 24 years--received my Bachelor's Degree. So how has MS affected me? It has taught me about who I am. It has taught me to be determined, defiant even--but for my benefit. With the help of God, I am the driver of my life’s vehicle. No taxis for me! No car service for me!

True . . . . my leg may be frozen and my energy may be 1/2 of normal people, but my mind is free! You can still find me dancing somewhere in the summer, maybe at a Cajun dance or maybe Salsa. I will get on the floor every third dance, but when I do, I will put forth the most style with the least amount of effort. And if it comes to where I can't dance anymore, I will play my fiddle. . . . And if I can't play my fiddle, I will listen to it. It isn't over, it's just different.

So how is school, God asked me one day.

It is really tough. Can I write a term-paper or take a multiple choice quiz . . . . you know, something easy, I asked Him?

God laughed and said, We'll see. Maybe after we begin the second semester.

What? Uh Oh, I thought. I really will be getting a post-graduate degree in MS.

Oh well; that's it for now. I am going to sleep. I hope you all are holding together!

With prayers and Love!

Audrey

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