***Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.'
She said, 'Sorry, we can't do that.'
I told her, 'You did it last week!'

***A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later.
The bishop asks, 'How are you making out here, in this unspeakable cold?'
The priest says, 'If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I don't think I could last.'
'In fact, Bishop, now's about the time. Would you like a martini?'
'I’d love one.'
'Great. . . . Rosary! Get the bishop a martini!'

***A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill. . .
so he gave him another six months.

***The doctor told his patient, 'you'll live to be eighty.'
The patient says, 'But I am eighty.'
'What did I tell you.'

***A man goes to a doctor. ‘Doctor, it hurts when I do this.’
‘Then don't do that!’

***The doctor says to the patient, ‘Take off all your clothes and stick your tongue out the window’.
‘Why should I do that?’ asks the patient.
‘I'm mad at my neighbor!’

*** A doctor has a stethoscope listening to a man's heart.
The man asks, ‘Well, Doc, how do I stand?’
‘That's what puzzles me.’

***A doctor calls a patient. 'Your check came back today, Mrs.Miller."
'So did my Arthritis!'

***A man goes to a doctor. 'My foot hurts. What should I do?'
'Limp.'

***A man goes to a psychiatrist. 'Nobody listens to me!’
'Next!'

***Another man goes to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, ‘You're crazy.’
The man says, ‘Oh Yeah. I want a second opinion!’
‘Okay, you're ugly too!’

***An auto mechanic goes to a psychiatrist.
'Lie down--under the couch.'

***A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says ‘You've been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Okay, what time do we start.’

***A drunk accosted me, ‘Give me $10 till payday.’
‘When's payday?’
He said, ‘How would I know? You're the one that's working!’

***A drunk came up to me saying, ‘I haven't eaten in two days!’
I said, ‘You should force yourself!’

***I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket.
I asked, ‘What are you doing there?’
‘I was looking for a match.’
‘Then why didn't you ask me?’
' ‘I don't talk to strangers.’

***A man calls a lawyer's office,
The phone is answered, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.'
The man says, ‘Let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.’
‘I'm sorry, he's on vacation.’
‘OK, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.’
‘He's on a big case; won't be available for a week.’
‘I see. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.’
‘Sorry, but he just retired.'
‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.’
‘Speaking.’

***I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
She said, ‘Somewhere I have never been!’
I told her, ‘How about the kitchen?’

***'Actually my wife is a great in the kitchen. Her cooking is fit for a king. . . . . ‘Here, King! Here King!’

***My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. . . .
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

***My wife and I found the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
We have two glasses of fine wine, a delicious entree, and a mouthwatering desert.
. . . She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.

***Two weeks ago my wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. . . . Then the mud fell off.

***Yesterday she ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’
‘No, jump in!’

***My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

***I've been in love with the same woman for 34 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

***2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose.
‘Since when do you wear pantyhose?’
‘Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!’

**Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed.
It was a Chinese restaurant!

***I used to be so self conscious that I couldn’t talk to people at all.
It got so bad, I went to a psychiatrist.
After 30 minutes, I asked him 'What is it?’
He said, ‘It is $200.00 a visit.'
I said, 'For $200 dollars, I don’t visit… I move in!'
Then he took out an inkblot and said to me. "What do you see from this inkblot?'
I said. ‘I see that you need a new fountain pen!’ I figured for 200 dollars, I’ll drive him crazy
Then he said for me tell me the first thing that comes to mind.
I said, '199.00 dollars change'
Then he said, ‘I see your problem. You hate your sister.’
I said I haven’t got a sister
He said, ‘I can’t help you if you don’t cooperate.’
I'll ask you another question. 'Why do you hate your father so much?'
I said, 'I love my father.'
'Then tell me when you first started to hate your brother.'
I said, ' I like him too.'
'Then maybe you got a cousin you hate?'
I said, 'No I love everybody.'
He said, ‘You see, that is your problem. . . too much love. You've got to hate somebody.'
I said,'To tell you the truth, I’m not so crazy about you.'